Betting On Yourself

As I sat crying, the anxiety took over my spirit. There is NO way this was happening to me again. I had finally found a position at a company I belived in deeply. Yet, despite the most effort I'd ever given to a job, the company decided it would be better off without me. After a grueling task I was given with no prior experience and the absence of a two week training period promise that went unfulfilled, I crawled back into myself to realize it was time to start again. After many tears and a deafening blow to my ego, this seventh and final firing came after a string of unfortunate dental offices jobs. This final blow though, hit me harder than any professional shortcoming thus far in my career. I still long for it and the more tender, rewarding parts of the job. It still haunts me at night.

Three months prior to accepting that role, I had started an LLC on a whim and threw everything I had at it. Money, time, novice fumbling as I used a third party company that charged triple than what it would have been had I filed with the individual state agencies. I didn't care. As my credit card debt grew, so did my delusions. I was going to be immediatley successful in this business that kept changing directions and evolving at whiplashing speeds. I attended networking events, inserting myself into established groups. I attempted to make friends but that gets harder when you're in your thirties. People are relatively established at thirty. Luckily, the people I was trying to befriend were also creative entrepreneurs who were also trying ot make a mark on the world. I didn't mind the lack of connection at first, I was simply excited to embark on this journey. I knew at 19 the dental field was not for me. I still kept going back to it because it was safe. I also learned new trades, bartending, waitressing, catering, brand ambassador gigs. You do whatever it takes to survive when you're 5 years into a life in New York City.

"Oh, you're an actress? At what restaurant?" A familar jape and jab that came with the terriroty. I knew eventually something would happen for me. It would not be immediate, but it would come.

One particularly rough day, after being asked to leave an apartment along with 2 other female tenants to protect an unstable male tenant in the dungeon basement below, I had to move in the morning and work in the evening. I was defeated, questioning my whole life as I often did. When suddenly, the craft restaurant I worked at filled. Me and my fellow bartender exchanged glances knowing something was happening. James Franco, Maggie Gyllenhaal and the cast of "The Duece" were now buzzing about our bar after a wrap party in Long Island City. How neat. James Franco would not make eye contact with staff, Maggie was an absolute peach. Requesting a "skinny margarita". she chatte away right at my bar effortlessly as if she'd been there a hundred times. Her thin body and beautiful face kept me going that night.

"How is the skinny Margarita?" I asked Maggie as if she was a regular there.

"It's one of the best I've ever had," She replied gently and kindly.

My face lit up and my faith in my purpose in New York City had restored. As she closed her tab, I wrote a note on the back complimenting a film she had starred in. She wrote back, Thank You. I taped the note to my journal as soon as I got home. The ink has faded now, but I know what it is.

Another actor I recogized from the show "LOST" which consumed much of my time and admiration in my teen years, was also present. I had a conversation with him as he waited for his cab, proudly displaying and showing me his wife and child. He told me to never give up. It was so inspiring after a day that had quite literally ripped me to shreds.

I finished out the shift, renewed and awe inspired.

Fast forward to now, I sit on my bed wrappedin blankets writing this first blog post at 7:39 am to offer encouragement. Tomorrow I will officially welcome my company, MF Talent Collective to the world. This very small gathering, would be better referred to as a 'soft whisper launch party'. Between you and me I will be surprised if ten people show up. But still I will come and give my 100% to the people who have shown up for me. This is where it starts.

Community is the most important aspect of life we will ever encounter. It is everything. Starting this business and meeting countless people with unique stories and interesting view points is what I live for. Money will come and go but community is forever. I know my purpose is people. I long for people. I long to entertain people. I long to connect with people. It is who I am to my very core and it is who I will always aim to be.

I was bored and unfulfilled in the jobs I had. Anything outside of people, faith, writing or acting is hard for me to exist in. I love to learn, don't get me wrong. But apparently I could not engage my three year acting degree to ACT like I wanted to be sitting at a dental desk scheduling Mrs. Moffet's root canal. I don't fault these offices, though angry at the time, I now know I should thank them. It was a blessing for me to be fired...yes...seven times. Because it has forced me into the most exciting and scary territory of my life.

Two days ago, I hired my first teammate here at MF. I didn't plan to do this, it came out of necessity. But already, I feel that my little gem of an idea is growing at a speed of which even I am pleasantly surprised. Besides the impact I intend to have on my community, the most rewarding part of starting this business, is that I am free.

No one owns my time. I am not for sale. My worth is not dependent on someone else's professional opinion of me. My life and livelihood is not in the palm of some ones dream. I get to build my own dream, kingdom and legacy. I sit here in my bed, in the pajamas my mom said were meant for 70 year olds with my cat sleeping quietly next to me. This is what freedom looks like and this freedom is what I hope to encourage you to do. In life, risks are often rewarded. I want to live my life full of risks and reaping the benefits on the way. I am new and still learning and green every day...but I am so happy. After a devestating blow, I am back. I awoke at 4:30 this morning, eager and ready to take on the world.

My chosen family by my side, on my team and in my corner I feel ready to take on today, tomorrow, next week and next year. I am over the moon. I will leave you with a gentle reminder that it is only life. You can make it whatever you want it to be. If you leap, the net will appear. So if you have a whisper of a dream in your heart, quiet your mind and lean in. It's your intuition, offering you freedom. Will you listen, and bet on yourself?